I know this feeling.
It’s a feeling of excitement and fear and exhaustion and hope all at once. It signals a major change on the horizon, and can sometimes be assuaged by rearranging a room or getting a completely out-of-character-but-still-stunning hair cut. I’m hoping that will cut it this time, too.
I don’t want a big change. I’ve undergone more than my fair share of them this year, with a move, a new job, a marriage, my husband launching his own business, and the return of my dad’s cancer. As much as I’m looking forward to having kids, NJS and I have agreed we simply aren’t ready yet. Last month, when I had a million things going on, I was incredibly unhappy and anxious and kind of a total mess.
I repeat: I do not want more change.
But I feel it. It’s there. It’s not another move – we’ve barely unpacked from the last one, we’re in a solid lease, and we’re staying in the Boston area at least another few years if not more. It’s not kids, not yet, and that’s not really an “I’m ready for my life to change” moment as “I’m ready to be up to my elbows in poop” moment. It’s definitely not my husband – I’m in love with married life and with NJS more than ever. I don’t know what on earth it could be, since everything in my life has recently gone through some sort of upheaval.
I know that it started with Meg Fowler’s post, which makes me cry inexplicably every time I read it. I know it’s continuing its articulation in an upcoming post about finding balance, inspired some seriously intense and wonderful honeymoon conversations. I know it has a lot to do with not being able to find motivation in the things I once could, how much I hated myself in the days leading up to the wedding, and the new places and ideas to which my mind has begun wandering.
I also know that if we’re friends, if you are meaningful and positive even a little bit in my life, I’m taking you with me, wherever this goes. Because I’m going to need your help getting there, and I have a feeling once it’s over it’s going to be completely amazing, and you won’t want to miss it.